All my life–since I was a very little kid–I can remember living with chronic anxiety and depression.
From answering the door to talk to the Jehovah’s Witnesses that had a Kingdom Hall two blocks away to ordering at McDonald’s to starting my homework to facing a test in school to doing laundry, I’ve always had a heightened level of anticipatory anxiety, toward everything I do in my life, and there are times that the anxiety I feel is disabling.
I take medication to combat my anxiety, under a psychiatrist’s care, and I see a therapist. I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and major depression–they walk hand in hand in my case–and I’ve made a lot of progress in my life as far as dealing with anxiety and depression goes…
But my brain chemistry is messed up, my perceptions don’t necessarily match reality when it comes to anticipating anxiety-causing actions, and no amount of the little blue pill I take called Klonopin can knock my anxiety below what is probably a 9 on a normal person’s scale of 1 to 10.
Long story long, despite a lot of support from my family and friends (and readers!), psychiatric medication and significant progress made in terms of coping skills, I deal with anticipatory anxiety on a daily basis, on a task-by-task basis, and even though I’ve been blogging since 2006 and talking about hockey online since 1999, this whole blogging business causes me anxiety.
Most of the time, I’m able to battle through it, but there are times that I have episodes where the anxiety spirals out of control, and it can literally knock me off my feet.
I live with psychiatric disabilities. I try my best to be productive and useful to others.
I care for my aunt, I care for myself as best I can, and I try to keep this blogging business going on a semi-professional level. But there are days that I can’t make it through it all–or any of it.
I don’t expect you to understand it, to relate, or to even have sympathy for people with mental illness, but I do think that you should know why there are times that I miss games or “miss time,” and I do still believe that, at least most of the time, I can work through my illnesses to provide you with a solid product.
I’m trying my best every day, but some days are better than others, still, and that’s frustrating as hell for me, but I’m going to keep trying.
I hope you’ll come along for the ride.